Gearing up for your March Madness Pool

Its almost the time of year that gambler and non-gambler alike, fan and non-fan alike, male, female, etc etc etc all enter their office college basketball pool.

Time to size up your competition. Here's a list of other "thatguys" that you'll be SURE to encounter come tourney time.

When you’re the designated sports-obsessed individual in your office and you’re expected to run your office Superbowl Squares, NFL Picks pool, or any other sports-related gambling exercise, you know the March Madness pool is your baby. For anybody who also runs things, or for anybody who is thinking of doing it, here’s a nice list of people you can expect to deal with after sending out your brackets.

Johnny Gambler – You send your email with the details and this guy replies in a 1/100 of a second telling you he’s in….and that your pool is 1 of 7,500 he’s doing. On top of that he’ll mention all the other action he’s going to have on these games, and will also mention how many different pools he’s in, takeover pools, upset pools, auctions, you name it. He may even make a suggestion to totally complicate your pool not realizing 90% of the people entering it don’t really give a shit what the setup is at the end of the day. You can be sure that Johnny Gambler will be out of your pool by the 2nd Friday of the tournament and he’ll be the first to suggest you make next years pool an Upset Pool, because that’s when the cream rises to the top.

The Unhelpful Assistant – He’s probably reminded you that March Madness is coming…as if he was the only one to realize that. But you know damn well why he’s doing it; he wants to know if you’re going to run your pool again. You know “Because I’ll help you out with it if you want.” Now just what is he going to do to help you?? Not a damn thing. He doesn’t want to take the fall if any higher-up finds out about the pool and isn’t happy about it. But by the same token, when you’re a 40-something with 3 kids, you’d love to walk around talking to your buddies about how you’re “helping out with the pool,” as if he’s the office-version of Rick Tocchett.

The Paranoid Guy – As if he was some undercover spy, the participant will only talk to you in code about the pool. If he mentions it outright, surely he’ll get fired. The walls are tapped, and there is CTU surveillance everywhere. You mention the word POOL and Jack Bauer drops from the ceiling to take you in. “I got your email about the, uh, thing, I’ll get back to you on it.” He doesn’t realize that 75% of the principles of your company have already submitted their entry. You can be assured that he will email you no fewer than 3 times a day giving you updates on what he “hears” about the pool…you know…to keep you in the loop on any potential sting operation. This guy is a cousin of the “un-helpful assistant.”

The Cheapskate - $10 is way too much to kick in for a chance to win $250. He could swing $5, but $10 is breaking the bank. Besides, he already has one entry at $10, his wife has his balls on their mantle, and there’s no way he could get away with doing a second.

The Big Winner – You’re giving out 10% of the pot to the 2nd place finisher. The Big Winner only does winner take all pools. Mind you, he doesn’t know his ass from his elbow about college basketball, but if anybody asks why he’s not in the pool he just can’t wait to tell them that they payout wasn’t worth it for him.

Mountain out of a Molehill guy – He turns his entry in 5 minutes after you send out the brackets….then he gives you an updated version the next day. No fewer than 5 updates will be handed in between now and the start of the tournament. And you can be sure the first one he did would’ve “won the whole thing” only he didn’t go with is gut.

The Hot Girl – You can’t wait to get her involved in the tournament because it’s another reason to talk to her at work. But she really doesn’t want to deal with the pool, probably ha no interest in college hoops, but still wants to be involved somehow. So she tells you she’ll have her boyfriend enter the pool. Now you already hate the guy because you’ve seen what a douche-bag he is. He has spiked hair, wears sunglasses at night, and loses his sleeves once the weather gets warm. You just can’t figure out what she sees in him. You can’t tell her no, so you accept the entry. And now you have an entry you can root against for 3 weeks.

The Female Who Doesn’t Watch Basketball – a.k.a. the favorite to win the pool. Her boyfriend watches enough college hoops for her to know what teams are good, she’s heard of UConn and she knows they’re talented. She may have even watched both UConn – Villanova games this year because there was nothing else to do on those days. She hits a couple round 1 or 2 upsets, and takes Oklahoma State to the final 8 when they’re a 5 seed. She’ll ask you a ton of questions about how it all works before she submits her picks, and when you get them you know damn well she filled it out in 30 seconds. But you also know she’s now the favorite. In all honesty, you don’t mind it. Having her win it is much better than the other options in your office.